The Real Glossary
by SecretlyEvil
Summary: Chapter 1: My own witty descriptions of the younger generation of WOT. Chapter 2: A humourous little skit of the characters' reactions to my opinion.Rated for language and sexuality.Wanna laugh? Check it out.
1. The Real Glossary

Author's Note:

Please understand that this list is purely for your amusement. I'm simply poking fun at (while exaggerating a bit) the stranger sides of our favourite Wheel of Time young people. I honestly don't believe a word of what you are about to read (except for Rand, Mat and Perrin's hotness) If any of you are madly in love with any of the characters I am about to trash, please don't take it personally, and remember that I, also, think all the characters are sexy in the extreme.

Rand – The Dragon Reborn, aka: The incredibly hot and popular guy 

Unbelievably sexy, Rand has three ladies in love with him and countless other chicks after his royal good-lookingness. Unfortunately, some girls are a little turned off by the fact that he's halfway to the mad house, but all the rest... Well, you never know what some whores out there consider attractive...

If you manage to forget the fact that he could begin talking to himself at any given time, you could become rather turned on by his badass dragon tattoos and majorly hot puckered scar on his side. And for the ladies who swoon over heroes, turns out he's gonna save the world from weapons of mass destruction at the end of the world! Score!

Mat – Pimpin' lil flirt 

Your classic small cock, huge ego. Now _this_ guy's bad. He likes gambling, drinking, swearing, smoking, dancing dirt-ay and chasing the hunnies. He can be very sweet if he knows he's gonna get a little sumtin sumtin, if you know what I mean. And, you know how all flirts seem to have a deep secret? Maybe some like listening to that _Sounds of the Ocean_ type tape. Or maybe others like ballroom dancing. Well, turns out our little Mat has a passion for the Old Tongue! Yes, I know what you're thinking. _Damn_ that's sexy!

Perrin – Sweet and beautifully muscled but sadly taken babe 

Your classic huge cock, small ego. Very hot. Yes, I see what you mean. _Every_ person in this freaking series is hot. This is purely so that you can have fantasies about you and your favourite characters having mad, passionate love without feeling guilty that you had to alter your character's face to be hot so that you can fantasize- okay, getting a little off-track, here. Where was I?

Oh yes. Perrin is a tank. He's a pushover, and he's very shy around girls, so he got married to the most jealous chick out there so that she can fight off all the ladies after his extreme hotness. Not only is he madly muscled, his eyes are yellow and he can talk to wolves! Looking at our first three guys, I suppose our lesson for today is: All hot guys are creeps.

Egwene – Freaky dream girl 

"Woohoo, look at me! I'm a little girl thinking she's got it _all._ Aes Sedai morons picked _me, _a tiny little ignorant dumbass, to be their Amyrlin Seat, and only the Light knows why. And now, I've let it go to my head and I'm acting like the queen of the world. Yes, I'm too _good_ for the Two Rivers now. Okay, now I'm going to go and strangle myself with my _#&! Up _Amyrlin stole and bash myself over the head with all the really nice things I have that I'm always complaining about!" Heh heh, I wish... I got a little carried away

It pains me to say this, but I did actually like Egwene in the first book. She was cool and independent, and she knew what she wanted. Now she's just a good old fashioned _sniffer_, if you catch my meaning. On top of being the dumbest Amyrlin since... - no, she really is _the_ dumbest Amyrlin, she has freaky dreams and constantly fantasizes about her boyfriend. Disgusting...

Birgitte – Cool but slutty ass-kicker 

Birgitte is definitely the best chick in The Wheel of Time. And the reason for that can be summed up in five words: She's _original. _She doesn't channel, she doesn't act as though she's modest and then wear slutty clothes anyway, she's not and never has been remotely interested in Rand, she's not a sniffer (Alleluia!) and she can actually fight! Oh, thank you, Robert, for at least granting us _one_ good female! Too bad she has to follow Elayne around. I bet that if she hadn't been her Warder, she'd pound the little weakling's face in. Then we'd see just how far Elayne can put her big ass chin up! **Evil chuckle**

Nynaeve – _Huge _bitch

Nynaeve is probably the worst sniffer of all. If she's not inhaling loudly through her overly large nose (actually I'm not sure if it's big, I just think of it that way), she's yanking at her hair or throwing a fit, or gazing adoringly at her husband, who always looks as if someone sneezed all over him with half chewed up cheese in their mouth.

Someone really aught to get this girl a pill or two, because obviously this sniffing business isn't cooling her off. If all else fails, just stick her head in water until she stops moving. Better that than have us annoyed for the rest of eternity by watching her try to surgically remove her hair without medical tools.

The RFCT: Rand Fan Club Trio 

These next three girls are the three ladies I mentioned are madly smitten, in love, enamoured, lovesick, infatuated, charmed, turned on, or whatever you will, with one Rand. Clearly note the one. All three of them have gotten, at one point, to first, second, and quite possibly third base (you never know what them peoples do behind the pages) with this very sexy and lovable psychopath. Strangely (and rather disturbingly) neither seem to care that: a) He is taken by two other chicks. b) He deserves to be sent to the nut house tomorrow. c) He could, should and likely will slaughter them in their sleep without even knowing it.

So you see, you must understand my reasoning when I say that all three girls are potential sluts who have neither restraint nor shame.

Elayne – Annoying little rich bitch 

_God_, but I hate this girl. I'm sure you do too. Why? She has her chin up so much I'm surprised her neck doesn't snap off from the strain. Because she's the "Daughter Heir", whatever _that_ does to you, she thinks she's the prettiest, smartest chick ever. Wrongo. She's _so_ blonde! Her passion is swear words, and she picks them up from the local trash. Oh, and she's also a hottie and a sniffer...

P.S: All the girls in these books seem to be. You got to wonder how "the Pattern" can tolerate all this sniffing going on, eh? There must be, like, 8 000 dealers in this place...

Aviendha – Chick with a year supply of serious kick ass 

Aviendha's wickedly hot. She's honestly the only girl I've ever heard of who's madly in love with someone they want to beat the socks off of. That's supposed to be a major turn on... In some countries... **Cough cough**...

Unfortunately, some people are a little creeped out by her apparent obsession with "toes"... When she starts up, just back away...

Anyway, she was the ultimate character until she met Elayne. (That little bitch ruins _everything_) I mean, she got busy with Rand in an _igloo_! How incredibly Canadian is _that_?! And after that, she turned him down, like, eighty times! Who can turn down that particular crazily hot nutcase? Her serious self-control is _wack! _

But then along came the sniffers... Why, Rob, why?!

Min – Vision Lady 

Min has visions that make her seem somewhat ... what am I looking for here?... eligible to be in a freak show. Also, she likes cross dressing, and waddling around in high-heeled boots like a hooker. If you look past that, you'll see a very sexy, very Rand-obsessed young woman. Hell, I'm pretty much naming every girl in the Wheel of Time! Go figure!

Afterwords:

To increase this fun to a crazy level, I invite everyone to post their own opinions of these Wheel of Time characters in a review of this fiction. Do you agree/disagree with any of my observations? Who is your favourite? Are there any additional things to laugh at you think I should have mentioned? Thanks a whole bunch for reading and contributing to the insanity.

Yours always,

SecretlyEvil


	2. The Complaints Department

**The Complaints Department**

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving stuff... bla bla bla... yadda yadda, ext, ext. In one age, called 2004 by... well, everyone, a sound rose in a perfectly white, perfectly cubic room. It was a small, scratchy sound, and it wasn't the beginning. It was the middle, or maybe the end, but certainly not the beginning. Beginnings stink, rather like week-old carcasses do when you leave them in the garage. The point is, the sound was not a beginning.

In the perfectly white, perfectly cubic room with no openings of any kind was a person, whom we shall refer to as Secret. She sat at a plain wooden desk, with an enormous and blank book in front of her and a big feather pen in her hand. Sitting with her chin in her hands, she would, every once in a while, abandon her dreamy pose to write in the book. In front of the desk stood a sign framed in gold that read **Complaints** in big red letters.

A few minutes later, a gateway wrought with the One Power appeared in front of the desk, and out stepped Rand in all his foxitude and manly beautifulness. He paid no attention to Secret, and instead began a heated conversation with thin air. "Damn it, Lews Therin!" He shouted in irritation. "I've told you a thousand times to stop having pillow fights with Alviarin in my head!" He gestured wildly at the opposite perfectly white wall for emphasis.

"Oh Rand, you insufferable nonentity!" Rand responded to himself in a much more sophisticated accent. "If you do not cease your bickerings, I shall have at Elmindreda with a butcher knife!"

"Go ahead!" Rand shouted. "I have two more strumpets to play around with anyway!"

He turned away from the desk, crossing his arms and pouting. "Crap. It never works. One day, I'm going to grab an Uzi and blast them all to pieces. Except Alviarin, of course," he added. "She's too hot."

"You better not," Rand threatened himself, "or I'll cut out my left eyeball that you sometimes take control of!" He stood very still, still staring at nothing. "Lews Therin? Lews Theeeeerin? ... Woohoo, he's out for the night!"

Secret cleared her throat loudly, and Rand finally turned around to acknowledge her presence. "Welcome to the Wheel of Time Headquarters," she said in the most bored tone imaginable. "This is SecretlyEvil's office, and you are in the Complaints Department. How can I help you, sir?" She made it sound as though it were all one sentence.

"I'd like to file a complaint."

"Name, please."

"Lews Therin." Rand blinked and gave his head a shake. "Er, I mean, Rand al'Thor."

"Well, which is it?" asked Secret lazily.

"Both," he responded, and, without the slightest trace of surprise or confusion, Secret scrawled away in her book.

"What is your complaint, sir?"

The red-haired hottie crossed his arms over his big, muscled chest (that he doesn't really deserve, as all he ever does is sit around on his behind eating grapes and boinking the ladies) and stuck out his lower lip in the sexiest pout since Angelina Jolie. "I am **not** mad. Insane, yes. Crazy? Maybe. But _certainly_ not mad!"

Rand's eyebrows slanted sceptically. "What are you talking about, you psychopathic nutter? Of course you're mad! You _talk_ to yourself, man!"

He put his hands to his temples and shook his head frantically. "Shut up, shut up!" He cried. "You're supposed to be gone! Beat it, Therin! I wasn't joking about cutting my eyeball out!"

"Really? I thought that was only crazy talk," Rand countered, and then burst into a fit of giggles. Seconds later, his expression shifted to that of pure outrage and fury. "That's it, you man whore! I'm going to beat your antique guts out!"

He began pulling up his sleeves, teeth grinding in agitation. "Not if I do it first, you crazy little S.O.B!" With that, he threw himself to the ground and began a wild tussle with nothing visible. Secret stared blankly ahead of her, as if nutcases frequently beat themselves up in front of her desk.

Ten minutes later, after Rand had finally beaten himself into submission and was leaning panting against a corner of the desk, a large rectangle began to slowly push outward from one of the perfectly white walls. Green lines weaved along its surface, and lush leaves sprouted from the twisted vines of the materializing doorway. Once the movement had stopped, it swung open, and out swaggered Matrim Cauthon sporting his wide-brimmed hat and his other Age of Legends paraphernalia. In his hand was a near empty bottle of expensive wine.

He stumbled up to the desk, bearing several of his teeth in a swoon-inducing smile. Secret watched, unfazed by his incredible charm, as he slammed the bottle down onto the hard wood and leaned toward her with both hands on each corner of the desk, breathing his terrible alcohol breath all over her face. Several purses dropped out of his pocket, and he spared them only a casual glance before turning back to the secretary.

"Why, hello there, beautiful. I would be laying on the flattery right now, because you seem the right type of slut who'll let a complete stranger with a bit of cash grab at her ass and stare at her might-as-well-be-bare boobs, but I'm drunk, and I'm annoyed, so... maybe some other time, eh? I know you're just _dying_ to have me, what with my amazing looks and all that."

Secret waited until he was finished, and then droned out her required introduction in quite possibly an even more bored voice then her earlier one. "Welcome to the Wheel of Time Headquarters. This is SecretlyEvil's office, and you are in the Complaints Department. How can I help you, sir?" She strung it all out in one breath, as though there was no punctuation.

Mat smirked. "Well, how do you _want_ to help me, darling?" He shifted his position, standing at his ease against the table.

Secret stared up at him, blinked a couple times, then began flipping through her book. After several minutes (once she had looked through her volume from cover to cover) she looked up at Mat once more. "I'm afraid I'm not trained on how to respond to that particular sentence, sir. Please rephrase."

Mat curled his lip at her, giving her a "What the hell kind of planet did you fall off of?" look. "Babe, you're either crazy or just brain-washed, and I've had too many bad experiences with both types, so, um... call me." He turned to leave, and stumbled over Rand's outstretched leg. "Hey hey, it's Rand! Whoa, what happened to you?"

Looking up at Mat with unfocused eyes and a slack jaw, Rand mumbled to himself. "Damn Lews Therin... put that hatchet down..."

"Oh... right on..." Slowly backing away, Mat slipped through the rectangle against the wall, closing the door behind him with a slam. The intricate pattern of intertwining vines on its surface began to slowly unwind, but just before the door disappeared completely, it swung open anew, and in bounded Perrin Aybara. Around his neck, a collar of tightly fitted red leather was attached to a similar leash, the other end held by none other then Faile Bashere, who stepped regally into the perfectly white, perfectly cubic room with her nose in the air. At her feet, Perrin leaped about, panting and slobbering.

Faile Bashere (who looks remarkably like Jackie from That 70's Show) stalked up to the desk, leading a prancing dog/wolf/Perrin. Secret gazed up at her expectantly, showing no sign that she recognised or even noticed Faile's "I am really pissed off and you'd better fix it _now_" look.

The fist that held Perrin's leash planted itself on her hip, while the other smacked down a print of SecretlyEvil's _The Real Glossary_ onto the open pages of Secret's thick volume. Without even batting an eyelash at the paper, Secret spoke her piece. "Welcome to the Wheel of Time Headquarters. This is SecretlyEvil's office, and you are in the Complaints Department. How can I help you, ma'am?"

The irritated client snapped her fingers in front of Secret's nose. "Oh, it's Mrs. to _you,_ hun. Mrs. I'm going to kick your sorry, fat _be_hind if you ain't gonna fix this shit."

Secret swept aside the copy of the offending article and began once again leafing through her manual. Moments later, she snapped it shut again and faced Faile anew. "I apologise, if I've caused offence in saying your name incorrectly, Mrs. I'm going to kick your sorry, fat _be_hind if you ain't gonna fix this shit," she said with a straight face and a very, very bored tone. "Please allow me to give you any assistance that is in my capacity as a worker here at the Wheel of Time Headquarters."

Faile turned to her collared husband, who was busying himself with sniffing at Rand's shoelaces. "GOD DAMN IT, PERRIN, STOP STARING AT HER!" she shrieked at him, proceeding to screech a jumble of obscenities and thrash the half-man, who sat unheeding on the floor, still absorbed in Rand's boots.

She managed to collect herself, and, straightening her hair, turned back to Secret, who sat at her desk as calm as ever. "Yes, I want to complain about that _stupid_ article-" she began.

"Name please," Secret interrupted.

Faile looked flustered and severely P.O-ed at being cut off, but she cooperated... reluctantly. "Faile Bashere t'Aybara."

"What is your complaint, ma'am?"

The temperamental young woman placed both hands on her hips, preparing for a bout of serious ranting. "I just want to say that that whole thing is a load of **beep**ing crap. It was complete stupidity and I am so **beep**ing pissed off that I was **beep**ing left out! I mean, I am SO much more of a **beep**ing bitch then that** beep**ed up Nyneave! That **beep**ing whore's got nothing on me, and I am so **beep**ing mad that you **beep**ing people can't **beep**ing realise that! **BEEP **YOU ALL!"

Once Secret had finished writing all of this down, she put her feather pen back on the desk, folded her hands overtop of the book, and said, "Thank you for submitting your complaint to the Wheel of Time Headquarters. We appreciate your efforts to improve our services, and we hope you will come again.

Faile picked up her copy of the article and began to walk away. Halfway to the door, she turned back. "Thank you. That was very refreshing." And she left with Perrin at her heels.

A minute or two passed by. The perfectly white, perfectly cubic room remained silent except for the occasional bout of mumbling from Rand, who was still sitting against the leg of the desk.

There was a very loud popping noise, and Elayne, Aviendha and Min all appeared in the middle of the room, decked out in their RFCT paraphernalia. They were all chatting amongst themselves, not noticing any of their surroundings.

"I can't believe we're, like, figuring out all these lost talents!" Elayne gushed, chewing a wad of RFCT bubblegum and twirling a strand of hair between her fingers. "I mean sure, competent and much more experienced Aes Sedai have, like, proclaimed them lost for centuries, but we're, like, super humans!"

"Yeah," Aviendha agreed. "I mean, we're just weakling little girls who've been sent on amazing adventures for very far-fetched reasons, and we've survived even though the Dark Lord himself wants us dead. Isn't it awesome?"

"Totally!" cried Min. "And on top of all that, Rand's like, crazy about us, so, like, all the Forsaken should have killed us, like, thirteen and a half times over, but, we're like, really lucky, you know?"

"Totally!" they all screamed in unison, and fell about giggling like pansies. When they were done, Min suddenly pointed to the half passed out Rand against the desk.

"Oh my God, it's Rand!" she shrieked, and they all ran to him and crowded around him.

"Aw, look," Elayne cooed. "He's almost beat himself to death. And he'll probably do the same thing to us! Isn't that so sweet?"

"And look at that adorable scar!" Aviendha fawned, lifting up Rand's shirt to display his grotesque deformation. "It's all puckered and swollen. I can just feel the evil radiating from it! It's _such_ a turn-on!"

"Isn't it, though," Min laughed. "And isn't it the cutest thing that he's sleeping with all of us and we know about it! It's wrong on so many levels, but we're just so desperate, it doesn't matter!" They all laughed loudly, and the sound brought Rand to his senses.

"Oh, hey!" Rand said, surprised to see them. "It's the girls that fulfill my dirty needs for free! Do you guys want to go over there and have a foursome?"

"Yeah!" the three ladies gasped excitedly. So the four young kids hustled off to a corner and... well, I'm not going to go through the pains of describing it. If you're too young to know how it works... what the _hell_ are you reading this for?! Woops, pardon me. Language, language, SecretlyEvil... **Cough cough... **Anyways...

Rand and his three girlfriends eventually cleared off, once they realised that Secret had closed up for the day.

If you're wondering why Nynaeve, Birgitte and Egwene didn't go, I'll let you in on some background information.

Nynaeve spent the entire day at the Merchandise Department trying to get a hold of the mentioned "pills", and Birgitte dropped by in the Help Section to beg them to get her way from Elayne. Egwene was too busy trying to stow some very naughty rumours about her and Rand to be able to visit the Wheel of Time Headquarters at all.

Secret quit her job as desk clerk, and then proceeded to get the company to pay for her therapy after the traumatising ordeal behind the desk. A month later, Mat Cauthon served some jail time for stalking her, though he publicly claimed: "No! I am cool! I have tons of ladies!" Aes Sedai are still attempting to find out what he means.

* * *

**beep **: substitute for the word _fuck_. Woops... sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it...

RFCT : stands for Rand Fan Club Trio. For further information, see chapter one of The Real Glossary.

Author's Note:   
Well, I'd just like to mention that I wrote half of this late at night, so some of this stuff you may think is just plain stupid, while I was laughing my toenails off at my own wit. Gotta love me, eh? Cheers to all who read and review! Remember, I _love_ to make you laugh!


End file.
